{Tuesday, August 12, 2014}

Alien Ideology

"Time interval is a strange and contradictory matter in the mind. It would be reasonable to suppose that a routine time or an eventless time would seem interminable. It should be so, but it is not. It is the dull eventless times that have no duration whatever. A time splashed with interest, wounded with tragedy, crevassed with joy—that’s the time that seems long in the memory. And this is right when you think about it. Eventlessness has no posts to drape duration on. From nothing to nothing is no time at all." (East of Eden, John Steinbeck)

Maybe this is the key to understanding her mind. Nothingness is nothingness. 

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{Thursday, August 07, 2014}


Days are mundane and good.
There's no need for documentation but it just feels right.
Even trials involves planning for meals and presents.
There's nothing more in my mind but that's good.
Mundane is never always good, but this is.


{Tuesday, July 29, 2014}

Iced Americano

A shot of Americano followed by another brought an unpleasant high. Feverish & gibberish like premature shrooms-high. 

Racing heart, short tempered. Physically drained but mentally psyched. Lucid dreams so real yet so surreal. Another me, another you. Warm bodies, cold hearts. Tears, then abnormal laughter. 


{Monday, July 28, 2014}

Dead Vs Death

Some have moved on to greater responsibilities, while others remained at status quo and developed a sense of losslessness. Two years after her death seemed short, but the you in the past was so much jovial and optimistic.

I myself have been desensitized of your unusual negativity. I stopped caring much and my words have become nonchalant.

Perhaps, my nonchalance can be your Placebo and Prozac to recovery. It will assure you that this loss and failure will become normalcy, and it is alright to not be alright.

Yet, some days I wished I said more but these words no longer connect to my heart. They are of another tongue alien to my beliefs.

Dead Vs Death.

I hope this phase is just descriptive, and not definitive.

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{Saturday, July 12, 2014}

11 July 2014

Still the same chatters, the same personalities and the same familiarity after 11 years. Behaviours and beliefs can change, yet we are still the same 12 year olds playing catching in Cedar Primary. 


{Friday, June 20, 2014}



{Sunday, May 11, 2014}


{Sunday, May 04, 2014}

Edvard Munching

As I read about artists and their philosophies, I find treasures about ideologies. It's amazing how famous people think so differently. And morbidly, I wished I did as well.


{Saturday, May 03, 2014}

Final Year Exams

A good morning is not one with coffee and egg benedict. It's one with the accompaniment of Angels & Airwaves, and Fauvism. 


{Sunday, April 27, 2014}

Typography II

Lately, I can't help but feel the lack of depth in my design process. It's so important to always start this process by thinking, thinking and thinking. It's a phase you can't miss lest you produce shallow work.


{Wednesday, April 09, 2014}

The Sign of Change

In today’s context, the sign definitely represents an impending change in Singapore. From the Central Business District to the heartlands, these signs are placed to remind people that change is happening. They are no longer just mere physical signs to warn people about danger, but symbolically, they represent a sign of change. As if used to mark a territory, these signs enclose an area of change, acting like a surrogate, and nursing change to complete maturity.

{Wednesday, March 26, 2014}

Swallowing Judgements

I've always talked about how I feel I am inadequate or not qualified to design because I don't understand the history of design, or the topic of study I am designing for. Yet, when I am given judgement by a professor, I couldn't swallow it as well as I would have expected.

I guess it's one thing to reach an epiphany, and another to be pushed for enlightenment. The former glorifies an individual, while the latter display a lack of self-awareness.

At that moment, many excuses and alibis arose to defend me. Yet I knew that she is probably doing the right thing. Why are we settling for mediocracy?

Oh well, back to research.

{Monday, March 17, 2014}


I've been stuck at the project for the longest time. And honestly, I think I still am. I cannot achieve a cohesive look-and-feel.

Perhaps I was being over ambitious trying to achieve something that could explain culture and society too much. Maybe design in ADM doesn't need to be this way. Maybe it's all about the look, the texture and the visual appeal. It's nothing about the content. 

No one bothers to read anyway. Perhaps because it's an anachronistic topic about religious practice. It's not attractive. And maybe some feel they know this topic anyway. Their parents are "Taoist", they'd say. They know the gist of the religion and they are happy just knowing the minimal.

Yet I am a little dissatisfied. I feel I have been writing pretentious text I have no passion over. Words that are copied from Wikipedia because there is no need to turn-it-in. I don't scan through the words myself, so who am I to judge others? All I do is to ensure that the paragraphs do not have any widows or orphans, and that it looks visually balanced.


{Monday, March 03, 2014}


Beauty is in uniformity. 
Justified paragraphs, must 
Ragged columns, no no no
Check the kerning & tracking
Remove widows and orphans
Fit your words to a column
Like this, like this, like this

Our lives could be similar, no?
Fitting weaknesses to fit a void
Ensure primness and properness
Like this, like this, like this, yeah

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I've been thinking about concealment. I wonder which is a graver mistake: the inability to conceal all your flaws, or the ability to conceal all your flaws.

Of course it's totally different context for each hypothesis, making it hard to measure which is a "graver mistake".

One speaks about honesty and openness, while the other speaks about social awareness and being relatable. Conversely, they each lack the very strength the other possess.

There's always a duality in everything we do. And perhaps it's not about which is better or a "graver mistake". Instead, it is more of how our perspective for each can change. We can choose to see the positive instead of fixating on the negative.

In the case of Skeleton Man, I wonder tattooing his face is an act of concealment, or honesty. It's an aimless thought, but interesting.


{Thursday, February 27, 2014}

The Wildness of Being Wilde

A great end to the week would be to have caifan, watch Toy Story, and then doze off after dinner. The trivially most interesting thing that happened this week would have to be the birth of documenting witty phrases on my phone. I name it The Wildness of Being Wilde.


{Monday, February 24, 2014}


When the identity you were appears personified,
Familiarity breeds content.

When the identity you detest appears personified,
Familiarity breeds contempt.


{Saturday, February 22, 2014}

Unformed Words

Configured thoughts with unformed words
Metaphors explains metaphysics


{Sunday, February 16, 2014}

Soup and Morals

I think I like making soup because it requires patience and time. You've got to keep brewing and brewing until the essence of your choice of bones secretes to create this sweet and all-rounded taste. There might be a lack of salt, but with sufficient bones, the soup still tastes flavourful.

It's nothing anthropological. But I just like making soup haha.


I've been think about absolutism and relativism. I was wondering what if there is no absolutism in religion - meaning there is no need to have a perfect standard that we could match up to. That there is no comparison human beings have to live up to. But instead, we know that our "moral standards" is relative to our own personal life and how we have "improved" over the years. What this means is that there is no need to feel completely wretched to fall from the perfect standard. You just have to know that you have flaws and work towards improvement (and not perfection).

Why would I prefer this mindset is because I feel that many are motivated by the idea that they are fallen and wretched. They allow this sense of guilt to bring them further in religion. I know it might be useful at times, but it is not effective in the long run. Eventually, we will realise we can never reach that perfect standard and get tired and weary.

Maybe it's not about the ideals of absolutism that bothers me, but the idea that we use our guilt to feel pleasurably cleansed from our sins and closer to a higher being.


{Thursday, February 13, 2014}


There is always a love-hate relationship in the things I do. One moment I get really excited and motivated. I overestimate my capabilities. But halfway through I get really drained.

But I guess I should never stop trying and trying and trying. We should never feel we are good enough and stop learning and experimenting.


{Saturday, February 01, 2014}


Sometimes I wished I could analyze a situation without including my emotional senses. Like a surgeon or a pathologist carrying out an autopsy. To be able to objectify your subjects and desensitized yourself from any emotions. 

It takes practice I guess. And from a very emotion-centered viewpoint, it is known as apathy. As negative as this sound, I feel that apathy will help us to see the world in a different light. Philosophers have all done that in their search for an argument to their existence. And apathy and objectivism has helped them to reach nirvana and have a broader perspective to life. They become smarter, more clear minded, eloquent, and all just in exchange for their emotions.

It's a reasonable exchange. 


{Saturday, January 25, 2014}

Pathetic Prophesy

January, February, March. Time passes fast. Pathetic fallacy, pathetic prophesy. Truths, exaggerations. They'll pass. What if drowning in work because of escapism is a steroids to productivity. Then you escape to become productive. But it's all a narrative. It's all false. It doesn't follow laws. It doesn't follow punctuation.
Van Gogh, post impressionist. They don't follow law. But they speak truths more than masks.
Maybe one day I'll understand.


{Sunday, January 12, 2014}


We are similar. Like-minded misfits trying to settle in a space that never did quench our thirst. We try to explain our lives with art and literature but sometimes it doesn't quite align. 

Yet something does amaze me. Our routine meeting - although mostly mundane - runs weekly without fail. Most weeks I push myself to commit. But most weeks, I am also encouraged and inspired in a human fashion. We communicate in ways that is not masked and tainted by a pretentious tongue with cliche terminologies. Maybe that is what I am searching for. Being able to share my thoughts and personality freely. 

Some day back, I had a weird but reasonable thought. I believed that understanding doctrines and commandments have alienated me from myself. I stopped knowing who I really am but have conformed to a certain stereotype to who I should be. I worked ceaselessly, beating my morals and thoughts to fit into a man-made mould. If I failed, I blamed it on my willpower. I never blamed anyone else but myself.

I need to stop conforming but question. I have grown lazy fighting for my own 'secular' enrichment. I don't want to lose my identity while searching the purpose of life because this is not the way it should run, no?


{Wednesday, January 01, 2014}

Rainbow Lodge

3pm Sunday at Towner Road, #08-11. The air is humid and musty from all the plastic bags of clothes. I'll be sitting on my bed with a box and doing my assignments. Mum will be washing something in the kitchen and she would drop by at random moments to check on my sister and I. 

I don't remember what else I do, but I remember hating Sunday evenings because in a few hours I'll be back in Potong Pasir. I hated the 3pm sun and the humid weather because it reminded me of the fact that time is running up. 

We'll pack our bags and head down to my Grandma's at Haji Lane. Everyone would be there and it's not unusual that my family is the latest. We'll have dinner and have free flow of can drinks from the coffee shop fridge. I always have grass jelly. Dinner is always the same few dishes, but good. My favourite must be my aunt's fried bean-curd topped with some sauce and garnished with spring onions. 

It's funny how this dormitory reminds me so much of the past. 


{Tuesday, December 31, 2013}


I think why I am so interested in the role of memory in a person is because I feel that what you 'choose' to remember really reflects your character and your personal beliefs. Reflecting on many incidents in the recent, I have concluded many negative characteristics in myself derived from what I remembered, and what I 'chose' to forget.

We try to convince ourselves that it's normal to forget. But I have grown to realise that what you forget is also caused by a series of mental decisions. Memory is like a infant that needs to be nursed and fed. What we choose to remember therefore requires deliberate effort. Conversely, not remembering a certain information shows a lack of interest resulting in nonchalance. For example, if you forget where you place your keys, it might not mean that you do not care about the key, but it could also mean you do not care about your processions in general.

For me, I feel that to improve my memory is actually to begin to start caring about the things around me.

{Wednesday, December 11, 2013}

Wedding Dinners

The wedding same-day-edit video went better than expected and I am very thankful for that. I think what really stressed me is the expectation I put myself under. It's not because I want to push myself to do something beyond my capabilities, but I feel that my cousin deserves an awesome wedding. Although he wasn't as excited as how I'd expect, I still think this relationship deserves some kind of documentation to commemorate... love and dedication (as sappy as it sounds lol). And I hoped my video could capture their special day, and their real and genuine dedication to each other.

I can't deny that my skepticism of wedding dinners, especially chinese ones, have increased tremendously after this wedding hahahaha. I don't understand the customary fake-cake cutting ceremony, the champagne towers, the overrated 9-course dinner and the religious programs. What I want on my wedding is to have something out of the norm. I don't want to follow tradition religiously. It's cool to follow traditions in the modern way, but no way will it be so religious. Why should we travel to the brides house, go to the groom's house for tea ceremony, and then back to the female's for tea ceremony again?! And why do we need to follow a fixed time to go to each house?!

I was having a conversation with my cousin about wedding a few weeks back and we were analyzing the reason for some of the rituals in weddings, especially in Singapore. Cake cutting in the past, for example, was meant to display the wealth of families. Because cake is an expensive item in the past, having a cake at your wedding meant that you are well to do. My cousin also quoted this theory (no idea from whom) that believes that the migration of traditions causes a strengthening in these traditions. What this means is that when traditions migrate, for example, from China to Singapore, Singaporean chinese will follow these traditions more religiously than China chinese over time. I guess it's somewhat related to innate need of humans to be culturally rooted. So over time, the chinese wedding traditions in China will dilute faster than the traditions in Singapore. It's believable.

I think the scary thing is that people are unaware of being trapped in this vicious cycle. And they spend thousands of dollars organizing (in my opinion) the most mundane wedding ever. They are forced to flaunt their status by organizing an expensive 9-course dinner, and their friends are also forced to pay for a party they already know the flow of the program. What really disgusts me the most is that websites have been set up to show the ang bao friends are supposed to pack when they attend weddings at different restaurants. I think people have forgotten the reason and meaning behind these religious tradition.

What I want at my wedding is beer, ba chor mee and more beer. There's definitely gonna be an epic wedding video but it's gonna be more of a documentary style. This video shouldn't be dictated by a popular/indie music but the content should be raw footages of people, and inteviews blah blah... Why should a love story be told by a song which is essentially another person's opinion of love?

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{Sunday, December 01, 2013}

Searching for Diamonds in Dirt

Learning about design in a chronological fashion makes me wonder what is the movement of design today:

"As an art student in the late 1970s, Brody wondered if 'within mass communications, the human had been lost completely.' While confronting the decision whether to pursue fine art or graphic design, Brody recalls asking: 'Why can’t you take a painterly approach within the printed medium? I wanted to make people more aware rather than less aware, and with the design that I had started to do, I followed the idea of design to reveal, not to conceal.' Brody’s work evolved from an effort to discover an intuitive yet logical approach to design, expressing a personal vision that could have meaning to his audience." 

"Weingart began to question the typography of absolute order and cleanness. He wondered if perhaps the international style had become so refined and prevalent throughout the world that it had reached an anemic phase."

We are still like the past. Experimenting, experimenting, and looking back at the nostalgia and mimicking designs. It's some sort of human psychology here that I wished I could pry and delve deeper. Design patterns have changed, but we as human haven't really.

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{Friday, November 29, 2013}


In a society where we are forced to be servile, we restrain so much of our opinions. Yet, when I was given the opportunity to remove this consciousness of being judged, I became dumbfounded. My words came out sounding anachronistic. It was incoherent, and shallow.

Sometimes, we are told what to do and what to think we forgot what we really believe in. Our existence, our character, our very identity.



it's a hangover. windows and windows of information on screen. disjointed essays. words that sound wise, but gibberish. you know they made sense at one moment, but it has all vanished to nothingness. a blank page.

these are not words i'd say. they are not ideas i'll adopt.


{Tuesday, November 26, 2013}

End Semester Woes

Having taken exams for more than a decade in my life, I have realized that I conform to a certain pattern in my revision. I usually start out being excited, and then it eventually simmers into nonchalance (with a tinge of callousness). I come up with a list or things to do after exams. I watch Friends excessively. I feign hunger to mentally assure myself that eating is a valid alibi to taking a break.

I become pathetic.

Anyhow here are the list of things to do after exams:
1. Happy Design competition
2. Plan for wedding video shots
3. Branding for cousin's wedding
4. Plan Hongkong
5. Read something. Anything.
6. Pack my things to find lost items (eg. India films)
7. Play the guitar

This has become arbitrary. But if arbitrary reaps short term escapism, then I don't see the point to condemn it.


{Friday, November 22, 2013}

From Flavour to Fart

A project that I had fun handling ended off in the worst fashion. Not only did it leave an empty kind of after taste, belligerence (that resulted in apathy) in the group was not resolved.

It's quite a confusing state, really.

One night, I pushed the blame to one individual, and the next morning to everyone else. But what I felt the most annoyed was how I couldn't express this displeasure in the most effective fashion to demand a fairness in workload.

I think I am usually quite easy-going. But what I hate is people telling me what to do and what not to do. I like to play the role as an easy-going person but with the mind of my own. I do not like being told to rush an assignment at 4am when clearly everyone else in the group is sleeping. 


{Thursday, November 21, 2013}

End Semester Show 2013

Lying in bed in an air-conditioned room and ruminating in my "home made void" like how Murakami puts it.

The ADM end semester show this year made me think a lot about how design should and should not be. I can't deny that I am not exactly happy about my works. Don't get me wrong, though. I don't hate them, but I feel that there is so much more room for improvement in everything from the ideation to the conceptualization and the eventual execution.

I know it's kinda weird but sometimes I feel a little unworthy doing design? It's probably an age old stereotype society has placed on designer as being too self absorbed in their own world, and that they're pretty clueless about the other fields of study. But because it's true in my life, I sometimes feel like I am merely creating works but not linking them subtly to concepts of psychology, sociology or philosophy.

But it's hard to find a balance, you know? How can, say, branding link back to theories? I mean possibly, but it's just a lot harder than photography or film-making and even animation. These fields of the arts do not have the strong presence of a client when a school assignment brief is given. It's easier to instill the humanistic touch to it. Okay, I might be biased here but whatever haha.

Maybe that's the reason why I felt more inspired looking at photographs and videos today during the end semester show. There is this sort of dynamism in the communication compared to pretty but flat packaging and books. Dynamism in the way subtle ideas like death is brought across in a very beautiful way. 

I don't want people to go, "Oh wow, nice", but I'd prefer someone to say "Oh, that is powerful".


{Monday, November 11, 2013}

in my escapist self, i wished i could understand films so much more. classic films,  modern films, pop culture blah blah. i want to understand psychology theories. i want to hold the intellect to explore art. not just superficially, but backed up by theories.

art is not self indulgent. art is not shallow. art is not distant. art exists together with theories and ideologies.

i don't know so much. aristotle, i know a little. karl marx, i know a little. and that's about it.

i need to know more, you know? not because of knowledge. but because i need to understand myself better. i need to stop relying on skills and technology to present a work. my thinking and my ideologies should first shape my artwork. then my execution will come into place. it's not the other way round.

{Sunday, November 10, 2013}


it's the time of the week when 
purpose and motivation resurfaced only
to be faced with Friends, food and gin.



Somedays I dreamed about happiness, but happiness is a tiring business / Somedays I dreamed about leaving, but leaving needs some convincing. / So nowadays I dream of dreaming.


{Monday, November 04, 2013}

It's Almost December

scattered brain and temperamental. not really knowing i wanna do. one moment a desire for assignment, and another a desire to pursue personal projects. when the opportunity comes for freelance, that's what i'd do. vicious cycle, concious pit holes. apathy, aimless, shallow.

what do i pursue after?

{Saturday, November 02, 2013}

Year 8

i've got soul but i'm not a soldier

{Wednesday, October 30, 2013}


A good morning:
1. Having 8 hours of sleep and waking up at 8.30pm.
2. Making salad for breakfast with awesome parmesan cheese.
3. Fixing the puzzles of Buddhism without any stress.
4. Lavender earl grey tea.
5. Miss Atomic Bomb on repeat.


{Monday, October 28, 2013}

Miss Atomic Bomb

Miss Atomic Bomb you're accompanied by
shots of Martell and Jägermeister, tainted by
lies - pointless lies - and confusion and doubts.

We were innocent and young, but the dust 
cloud has not settled. My eyes aren't clear.


{Tuesday, October 22, 2013}

Eggs in the Basket

While waiting for History of Graphic Design, I overheard year 4 seniors talking about the triviality of design and how so many designers glorify themselves to the point of delusion. I think it's true in so many ways. I've been an advocate of that and I do my humble share of condemnation for thoughtlessly pretty designs.

But it's a little different today. Maybe the lack of 'success' in the recent has made me wonder if pursuing something so trivial is worthed the effort. It's scary to know that I've placed possibly most of my eggs in this basket, so it better god damn work out right. But as I said, it hasn't (in my opinion) worked to the best of how I've envision. So do allow me to wallow in some self-pity? And melodrama: because seriously, what eggs do I have?!

Yeah I acknowledge it's the time of the semester where people complain about submissions and quizzes. It's a passing phase and will end in three weeks. I think I just need to take a breather, have a beer, watch Friends, then move on with life.

It's not that bad.

{Sunday, October 20, 2013}


Rain makes one so temperamental 
Like its random thunder and lightning strikes
Making someone shun in fear

{Wednesday, October 16, 2013}

Drunk on Words

it's a visual representation of 
the person you detest but you 
see it in yourself 

envy, pity and adrenaline all at the 
same time lingering, longing, loathing

feeling bad for feeling good and
feeling good for feeling bad

a passion for selflessness or 
a passion for selfishness


{Monday, October 07, 2013}

The Writing Persona

I hate to admit that I love admitting that I am a romantic hero. I know it doesn't make much sense, but it makes perfect sense to me.

I can be someone else without feeling ashamed. I can be made of flesh and bones. I can fall into a deep sense of negativity that feels extraordinarily positive. 


{Sunday, October 06, 2013}

History of Graphic Design

As a teacher and designer, Paul Renner (founder of Futura) fought tirelessly for the notion that designers should not merely preserve their inheritance and pass it on to the next generation unchanged; rather, each generation should try to solve inherited problems and attempt to create a contemporary form true to its own time.

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{Friday, October 04, 2013}

Self Glorification

When I study the history of graphic design, I can't help but see myself as part of a movement. I believe I belong to the constructivist period. I want to devote myself to visual communication that serves the community and not indulge in suprematism mentality of creating geometric abstractions that is non-objective. 

I think I sound too noble though.

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{Thursday, October 03, 2013}

Make it a Weekly Affair

speaking to a depressed person about depression is a
long a tiring process that one must have the stamina to 
endure like a marathon when the twenty-first kilometers makes
one wonder if he/she could finish another arduous journey
to receive the medal of pride that he/she will gain not for
display or anything but an emblem of victory

i believe you will recover and i want to tell you this until you
believe its true because i know this is just a passing phase and one
day you will realise you are beautiful and life is wonderful and
everything is fine and that is the most important matter today

I wished you had God in your life. 
So he could make this journey a lot easier.

And I need that too.

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{Tuesday, September 10, 2013}


I think we should stop being self indulgent because design isn't about that. Sometimes, we think we are awesome because we know the programs - illustrator, photoshop, blah blah. But we fail to look at the classical period, the transitional period and jump straight into the modern. We want the fame, we want to feel invulnerable and just want to plunge straight into our passion. 

But we forgot our foundations. We stopped looking at why designs were created and we become selfish. Our designs start becoming about ourselves - self-indulgent and shallow. 

Maybe Phoebe did the right thing when she didn't allow Joey to touch the guitar when he was first learning it.


{Monday, September 09, 2013}

{Monday, August 26, 2013}

Familiarity Breeds Contempt. Absence Makes Your Heart Fonder.

When you have your favourite playlist on repeat, you get sick of awesome songs. It starts feeling a little sucky initially because it's a pity you'd not feel the joy of listening to them anymore. And then this feeling becomes nonchalance and eventually a reality when you find new, and presumedly better songs.

Today, I played back some of these songs and I realised I still treasure them. Maybe not as much when I first heard them, but they are still awesome. 

... And I think this echoes in my personal life as well.

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{Tuesday, August 06, 2013}

{Monday, July 22, 2013}

I think my problem is being lukewarm. And I hate how this term is often connected to the idea of one's spiritual walk. But it's more than that sometimes, no?

It's an issue I was actually quite proud of in the past. It made me the chill guy everyone could get along with. It sounded cool when I am so indifferent about life and it kinda helped me to romanticize life. Music, movies, wanderlust, and just not giving a care to life's responsibility.

I like imaging my life as a video in time lapse. I like how music could control the way I breathe. I like how words could make me sound a little more deep than I actually am. I like feeling lost after a movie because it assures me that I am made of blood and bones and it's alright to fall short sometimes.

But it's all a facade, no? It's a self assurance that I am sophisticated. That I am Oscar Wilde with the heart of Mother Theresa.

What am I chasing after in life?

{Wednesday, July 17, 2013}

Back to Reality

When you discover a part of yourself, you lose another.
It has been a good run.


{Sunday, June 30, 2013}

Future Woes

ask you ah. if you do film your whole life like for clients not your own work and the pay sucks. will you continue doing?

i will do until i get to do my own thing


{Friday, June 28, 2013}

ICT 2013

Two weeks of reservist has taught me that I miss this hopeless life of diving and skiving. As I hear stories of people pursuing their adulthood, I can't help but wonder if this is the life I want to pursue. 

I wish I could find that compromise where practicality and passion meets when it's my turn.


{Wednesday, June 12, 2013}

D-Day Minus Two

I'm sorry I "speculated" results and made you worry. Argh.


{Monday, June 10, 2013}

In Jesus Name

I don't think I'll make much sense today, but I want to document this.

Movies and tv have dramatized reality so much we sometimes feel inapt emotionally when shit happens. We first wonder how we should react, and then we fit our emotions to this preconceived socially sound model. But it didn't work out today.

When you're 22 and crafting your future, you don't usually think about people leaving that much. But it's a bane when your parents marry late and you experience these earlier. I see people in their 60s falling ill and I worry.

It's a passing phase, I know. But I don't really put much thought into these. I think when you romanticize death, you can't emphatize that well? You tend to think more about your emotions, but you don't consider other people in the picture. You don't really know the situation in an omnipresent kind of view. You're selfish in that sense because you're only thinking about how you will feel, and wondering how you will react -- but that is not the real issue, is it?

I took a while to absorb the information. I did some research. Asked some questions. But the reality of losing someone seeped in slowly -- like how you make a chicken stock and wait for the flavours from the chicken bone to infuse.

I know one day I'll lose you. But as you have spoken, you wished to see me grow up, have kids and well see that I am doing well. I want to treasure you more, you know? I want more wonderful years. And I think I've never thought about this much, but you're really an awesome person. You're really giving and you never stopped thinking about others. I don't admit this but I do get a lot of traits from you -- whether they are wonderful or socially awkward.

So of course I know things are going well. And I am honestly glad.

I wish you well for many years ahead. And I will pray.

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{Sunday, June 02, 2013}

Ironic Ironies

it's like it's 4 am and you have not fed your fish for their 2nd meal at 7pm. / responsibilities and guilt and some sort of nonchalance. / unspeakable sweet indulgence because you know you're human but the only manifestation is a blog post under comfy sheets. / you feel guilt. there's blood rushing through your brains. you can understand pain. you're not cold. you're human. / you're human

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{Wednesday, May 29, 2013}

Noah and the Whale

feel good music on the stereo yet 
the heart is of no mood.

(rhyme oh rhyme do you make one
not express themselves well?
strings and strings of words that sound 
the same but do they represent how i feel?)

it's like one, two, three and then
reality check like how
my luggage goes through a scan
through a conveyor in the airport.

through the bars music i simmer 
into some sort of nonchalance.
bitter sour but bearable. 
bearable, but maybe nonchalant.
nonchalant, but good.
good, but bad.


{Friday, May 24, 2013}


I think I've never really put a thought to the psychological aspects of this issue. I just blamed the circumstance and the tangible mess I've experienced. But when I actually think of the psychological implications, it scares me a lot.

When you're 60, and stubborn, it's gonna be hard. We attach meanings to items. And sometimes, we allow a part of our identity to be defined by a dead object.

But maybe it's because our certain circumstances in the past that motivated this sort of mentality to compulsively keep items and store them, thinking it will come in handy someday.

I believe very strongly that sometimes we grow up the way your parents are not.

{Tuesday, May 07, 2013}

The Things They Carried

"By telling stories, you objectify your own experience. You separate it from yourself. You pin down certain truths. You make up others. You start sometimes with an incident that truly happened."

"I felt close to them, yes, but I also felt a new sense of separation. My fatigues were starched; I had a neat haircut and the clean, sterile smell of the rear. They were still my buddies, at least on one level, but once you leave the boonies, the whole comrade business gets turned around. You become a civilian. You forfeit membership in the family, the blood fraternity, and no matter how hard you try, you can't pretend to be part of it. That's how I felt—like a civilian—and it made me sad. These guys had been my brothers. We'd loved one another."


{Monday, May 06, 2013}


"Dear Charles, you're not in anybody's gang. That's always been your problem." - Brideshead Revisited

It sucks to wake up with a bad thought. It sucks more to not have a resolution. But you know, you just gotta move on, get past it, and deal with it later.


{Thursday, May 02, 2013}

Brideshead Revisited

If you asked me now who I am,
the only answer I could give
with any certainty
would be my name,
Charles Ryder.

For the rest,
my loves, my hates,
down even to my deepest desires,
I can no longer say whether
these emotions are my own
or stolen from those
I once so desperately wished to be.

On second thoughts,
one emotion remains my own,
alone among the borrowed
and the second-hand,
as pure as that faith
from which I am still in flight.