The Things They Carried

"By telling stories, you objectify your own experience. You separate it from yourself. You pin down certain truths. You make up others. You start sometimes with an incident that truly happened."

"I felt close to them, yes, but I also felt a new sense of separation. My fatigues were starched; I had a neat haircut and the clean, sterile smell of the rear. They were still my buddies, at least on one level, but once you leave the boonies, the whole comrade business gets turned around. You become a civilian. You forfeit membership in the family, the blood fraternity, and no matter how hard you try, you can't pretend to be part of it. That's how I felt—like a civilian—and it made me sad. These guys had been my brothers. We'd loved one another."

11am

"Dear Charles, you're not in anybody's gang. That's always been your problem." - Brideshead Revisited

It sucks to wake up with a bad thought. It sucks more to not have a resolution. But you know, you just gotta move on, get past it, and deal with it later.

Brideshead Revisited

If you asked me now who I am,

the only answer I could give

with any certainty

would be my name,

Charles Ryder.

For the rest,

my loves, my hates,

down even to my deepest desires,

I can no longer say whether

these emotions are my own

or stolen from those

I once so desperately wished to be.

On second thoughts,

one emotion remains my own,

alone among the borrowed

and the second-hand,

as pure as that faith

from which I am still in flight.

Guilt.

Rabbit Hole Screen Play

Somedays I just feel like writing with the american accent in my mind. It's like an alter-ego, you know? This person that speaks in a foreign slang (but yeah, fails at some words - especially those with Rs). But I like how this alter-ego reads with some kind of fluency. It's pretty awesome.

Exams is about to come to an end. And I hope I'll be up for an India trip. I can finally experience Mumford and Sons' travels. India and spice and indieness. I have been doing some digital painting and I realized how much I hate drawing hair. Oh hair.

Two Cups of Ice-Creams

things we do, we do.

why we do, sometimes,

we don't know, you know?

is it some sort of obsession

or some sort of insecurity to 

fill something society doesn't deem a norm?

i would have spoken about

something more personal today, perhaps,

but words don't come as naturally as they would have.

we're just people grappling to understand better.

understand people better. understand society better.

understand me.

and isn't that the hardest?

Untitled

I learnt this semester to pursue what I am passionate towards. Not for grades, but really just to learn. Last semester, I was so caught up doing my best, I forgot to learn more about what I am interested in. So this semester, I embarked projects that are personal and, well, cathartic. I managed to express myself through art. And I think that is beautiful.

I want to sew more during the holidays, maybe? And do a zine of sorts about my trip. Or my cooking expedition, or runs, or something. I want to write freely without feeling the need to please audiences. I want to be able to express myself in a way that I never was able to before. 

I have an exhibition coming up soon and that is exciting. I hope everything will turn out well.

My Attempt at Romanticizing

somedays i wonder how my life would be described if it was written into a novel. i am sure a little shocking for one. and conventional. boring old things. human. trying to fit into social norms and fighting to not conform all at the same time. and inhuman. and selfish. and crude.

and music. what would it be? every novel nowadays introduces some sort of music. what would mine be? and art, and philosophies? do i like the smiths? or i choose to listen to them because it's the right thing to listen to 80s alternative music now. i mean, they didn't build any form of identity in the past did they? if that is the case, then i suppose christina aguilera would be a better choice. but she's fat and ugly and doing trashy music now it doesn't give a good impression about me. so is the smith a good illustration of my characterisation?

if this was analyzed during a literature class what would people say about me? what would my characterization be? if i could just float in the class without having people to know my presence, would their analysis be accurate? would i understand myself better at the end of the class?

sometimes during a literature class, i nod along to insightful analysis of the text. i feel fulfilled and wise like i finally understood humanity. but then when i personalize these thoughts, they become distant like they do not belong to me anymore. i understand them when i analyze characters. but i don't understand me. i don't understand myself.

i wanna be like oscar wilde and mother theresa but yet be myself all the same time, you know?

August 2012

i was lying in bed one night thinking

about the what ifs and how comes

but you know at some point you realize

it doesn't really matter

i had a project to document

the mess but that would desensitize 

me as a person, no?

one day i will draw

and document and remember

and build these memories

whether it is real or not

it's true that sometimes i

feel neither here nor there because

the intimate terms are attached to

someone else but does that matter today? 

what matters is that i want to make 

a meal together where we could sit

and eat without any pushing or 

cringing or awkward silences

61 was the year 阿公 passed away 

and you're 65 this year

Can I Not Edit My Essay?

I used to run when I feel aimless. But nowadays I cook. /
I feel the need to write without any kind of restrictions. I want my words to be unfiltered. Just genuine words not concerned about the views of society. /
I am gonna stitch a book for such a purpose. /
Nowadays, I find designing restrictive. I want to draw and paint and do an art work that would be able to express something better than words could. Not design something mainstream and following a model or a reference, but something I am passionate about. Is that possible? /
It's a different kind of lethargy, you know? It's the kind that gives you a sense of satisfactory at the end of the day. But the process is a pain and you constantly question yourself the motivation. /
But maybe the satisfaction is due to the success and the positive views of others. Not because of your passion and interest. /
I think I will make chili prawns next week. Like chili crab, but instead of crabs, I'll use prawns. /
there is a different feel when you don't capitalize your alphabets. it looks like i don't give shit or something. there is this raw feel to it like i just want to type and type and not be bothered by structure or something, no? /
A script or narrative with a character saying 'you know' at the end of a sentence makes it sound a lot more human and legit don't you think so? It sounds perfect when I read it in my mind. But when someone tries to play that role in a film or something and says it, it loses that sense of being genuine. Maybe it's just a Singapore thing, you know?

Semesterly Arbitrary List

Things to do this holidays:

1. Draw a lot more

2. Cook a lot more

3. Run 

4. Tailor clothes

5. Work somewhere. Food or art related.

6. I'm Glad We're Different exhibition to come to pass

7. Play my guitar

But now. Time to catch up on my assignments. Literature essay, mastering communication presentation, two more core module submissions, and I am done.

enjambment is blind drawing

it's the time

of the year

we clean up 

columbariums and 

graveyards and

our dusty memories

of the dead

阿嬷's video played

a fews day back 

on a DVD I made 

a while ago

姑姑 was armed

with a tissue on 

one hand and it

made me wonder

if she expected or

desired the feeling 

of sadness 

i mused for a

while because i 

learnt that we 

humans sometimes

desired to know 

we have feelings

Memory

“A thing may happen and be a total lie; another thing may not happen and be truer than the truth.” - Tim O'brien, The Things They Carried

Sometimes I wonder if those memories in army really exists. When I think back now, I am not sure. A year back, I would be lying in bed right now with Luluc playing by my side, or maybe rushing to the podium to set up sea boats. But when I try to empathize, I add a little bit of the 2013 me. I try to empathize the past me by imagining tons of assignments and days I sit in the studio rushing some essay or presentation. But that isn't what it is, isn't it?

#14

newspapers

and the lack of space to 

walk 

a musty stench that

exudes from night clothing

but wait -- is it?

sometimes when i see

images of conventionality

i wonder i am missing

anything

and i hope and hope

and hope for once that

this is where i belong

but it isn't.

and i don't think it will.

Mid Semester Jadedness

I think I am undergoing a phase I want to know I am passionate about something. I don't know man. Maybe I went into an arts school because I am better than others in designing. And I don't mind learning more about that. But really, what am I passionate about? What is my style? And why am I so interested in pleasing my lecturers and not doing something I am passionate about?

I want to develop something. Maybe an ability to express myself artistically. I want my art to be some kind of cathartic expression. Not for anyone to see but just for myself. I don't want to base my works on gaining someone'e respect. I don't want to imitate the style of others.

Maybe I've been designing for too long. And designing involves a client of sorts and you are never able to fully direct your work. I want to pursue art now

But what I really want to do now? Have a glass of Moscato and watch Friends. 

Me VS Them

ONE

I was thinking a few days back while browsing through thehalffull.tumblr.com if I had grown as a designer. And I think I did. But... I still can't decide what is my style. It's not refined enough.

I actually think I want to venture more into fine arts. I know I am bad at drawing but I do like fine arts. It has this quality of self expression more than designing. And designing is often a lot more corporate because it is used in advertising and branding and there is this presence of a client, no?

I think it has came to a point where I need to draw (digital or not) to show something that I am passionate about. Half Full started out from a desire to experiment when I was serving the nation. I wanted to be inspired even in the army. And it served me well. But now, I have to explore more.

Experiment, experiment, experiment...

TWO

I hate aging.

Absent Absence

Her absence is absent.

It's the new year and we were all gathered at my grandma's. I went through three days of dinner there with the customary prayers to my grandfather and grandmother. But it hasn't hit me of her absence.

A year back she was sitting at the usual spot. But this memory is quite fading. What did she use to speak about? Wasn't the atmosphere a little more heavy when she was around? My uncle wasn't as lively as he is now.

It's scary how time passes so quickly. 

/

I'm quite a hypocrite.

I hate the mess. And that tinge of mustiness that exudes from clothes. The slurping. And the throat-full of phlegm. The way things are being expressed. The need for clarity. 

But I know I need to love these too. When will that day come?

Disgrace by Coetzee

Sometimes when life comes a little harder than usual, it's apparent that I fall back to some themes in my 4 pathetic O Levels and A Levels literature books. It's a little comforting to know that somewhere out there (even in the fictional world), someone has experienced something like this.

Disgrace. How can one reach redemption? And is redemption simply just a state of mind? Or does society have to consider you as 'redeemed' for it to happen?

Deus Ex Machina

So like a play with a typical ending, my appeal to Visual Communication ended with a deus ex machina.

I stepped into the office of the chair on Wednesday with argument points written on my iPhone all ready to fight for a place in the course of my desire. The associate chair was there and it felt a little as if like I am in a virtual world of emails - I am sending an email to the chair, and it was CC to the associate chair. It was a losing battle at the start, but in the midst of the argument, the chair decides to leave the office to check the results of the appeal. I was left in the office with a less-than-normal EQ associate chair asking mundane questions of school work and telling me, "if you were in year two, I can speak more to you about the crazy workload".

The chair returns and told me that the appeal results were out. "One person made it through the appeal for Visual Communication. I can tell you but you must promise not to tell anyone because it isn't announced yet." I nodded.

(beat)

"It is you."

*

I've been thinking about life a little too much in the literature sense it's a little scary. I would use words like dramatic irony and deus ex machina to describe my life as if it was scripted and plotted by someone. Also, I've been writing in script language for conversations with my friend hahahahaha

I Want Noodles

"I dunno how to put this but VC is really a very good program if you're up to it. I don't think anything else in ADM can match"

I think subconsciously, I have been avoiding the possibilities of leaving ADM because firstly, I do like the school after semester 1. And I still have high hopes that my aggressive appeal would work. But you know, what if somehow things doesn't work out the way you expected, what would I do? And why cling on to Visual Communication so much? Maybe Interactive Media might work out as well? Why quit school and pursue a more expensive degree?

Maybe because this week I've received many individuals asking about updates of my appeals blah blah and it did somehow sparked some kind of anger for this so called injustice. I've also requested to join the Interactive Media Facebook group, spoke to a stranger on Whatsapp asking about Interactive Media, downloaded the PDF for the course outline of Interactive media, emailed schools asking about change in schools blah blah. 

I think people do notice but have kept silent. But it's somewhat like an insecurity complex? That I believe with greater human effort and aggression, it ensures that I've tried my best. But what more can I do? Pruning of my heart to await for God's plan? And is that even considered trying my best?

Today I received an email from NAFA telling me that their open house is tomorrow. And if I registered for their program, I do not have to pay 60 bucks for registration. So here I am making an alarm at 9 am all ready to open doors for the future. Now I want a bowl of Abalone Chicken instant noodle with egg and crabstick.

Belated Retrospect

It's a Friday and school starts in 3 days. I am feeling a little indifferent. But for one, this is who I am. And for another, the woes of streaming has left me a little unsettled. 

I was supposed to go watch Wreck it Ralph alone but while watching Modern Family, I realized I was too lazy to leave home. So I decided to cook and went to the wet market to got some ingredients, came back and decided I was too hungry to wait another hour of preparation and whats not so I went downstairs to get food instead. I decided to cook for dinner. After lunch, I continued on Modern Family, and decided to do a print design for my year in 2012. It lasted till now and I have not made any dinner. So minestrone soup + aglio olio is for tomorrow's lunch, I hope.

Make One Mixtape a Year

2004: A mixtape made completely out of Singapore Idol songs. 

All in All, The Mixed-Tapes Remains Precious

It's interesting packing up and throwing past treasures. Reading through cards and notes, it tells your beliefs 8 years back. Why did I bother keeping piles and piles of sermon notes when I only looked through them when I had to prepare teachings? Was I really interested to learn, or to play the role right and seemed learned?

People come and people go. And I must say that sadly, most have gone. But the people who actually stayed generally didn't have to write cards. They were present even when we no longer pursued similar academic routes. 

So here I am doing my annual musing from tossing items. Every year, some are tossed while others stayed. The ones that stayed are those that actually meant something to me - like my mixed CDs. They are the window to my character 10 years back and display the thoughts to that crocked-tooth 11 year old me.

Reminder

In 2 days I watched my aunt fall twice. Once while she was standing up she missed her balance and fell  head first towards the old sewing machine. Another time when she was napping on the couch, she fell to the ground.

It reminded me that there are more important things in life. 

Ascension

"What will lift you up? Love? Faith? Success? And once you are raised up, where is it that you go? The idea of ascension, going to a higher place without first experiencing death is something I wanted to explore. Where is it that you believe you'll go?" - Nathan Sawaya

31 December 2012

I was spending the last day of 2012 in the associate chair's office listening to invalid alibis with regards to the failure of the system of streaming. In that almost 1 hour session, I noticed that my associate chair had a surprisingly shiny forehead, and he had this dent just below his forehead. It's pretty queer.

I do have some options now. I could stay in Interactive Media or I could check if I could transfer my Academic Units to another art school. Well, I will go on fighting for sure but the reality of leaving ADM is slowly seeping in and it does make me feel a little regretful. 

What are my passion? Why fight?

I'm Glad We're Different

I'm idealistic but I am trying to sell these.

Development

Draw more, think less. 

Typical

It's 5.37 pm. 

What I think mostly this week is that I am not in my major. There is pretty much nothing I can do right now till 26th December where I will meet the Associate Chair of ADM. And it's annoying that there is nothing much I can do till then. But at least some progress is made?

I've been spending my day idealizing and thinking of plausible plans if I do not get my major. Typical.

And I do like Courier because it makes everything look typewritten. Or maybe just because it looks like a screenplay? 

Didn't I have great plans for this holiday? Drawing and all. Why is my motivation totally diminished because of one stupid result? What is the motivation? Interest or results?

J-J-Jaded

The ASOS, Society6 & Threadless complaint king within me has emerged. The most annoying kind of complaint letter is an objective one because it means the other party has to reply because it is a genuine concern.

While all these are happening, I think I've become a little tired. It's like a process of proving your worth based on GPA grades and how nimble your fingers are (why does this sound primitively sexual?). 

I will fight till I have a long bitterness towards the school. Aal izz well.

SERIOUSLY?!

I know 2 years from now I couldn't care a shit what happened today. It's so human to focus on the current, isn't it?

It's expected that the nonchalant, phlegmatic me couldn't feel much in getting my fourth choice for my major. Okay, I admit. I reacted a lot worse than I thought. Maybe because it was the 4th choice, and because it is Interactive Media, and because it's the 4th choice, seriously?!?! I was glad there was little sadness because feeling sad is just sad because you are sad for yourself and that is sad. But being angry is better because you believe you deserve justice lol.

So it's time for battle. And weirdly, I am a little thrilled. I know there is a risk of not getting anything at all. But I am gonna make my point heard because for the first time in my life I know what I want to achieve (in the next 4 years hahahahahahaha)

Pre Post Exam Plans

This is so lame. Because I have only an MCQ paper this semester but I am feeling so excited that this is almost over. I can finally head over to overrated, boring Kuala Lumpur with The Hobbit and Starbucks. (And film photography!) I think I have forgotten the woes of A levels hahahahaha one MCQ paper, seriously?!

So here's a list of idealistic plans intertwined with obligations haha:

                      1. Preview introduction
                      2. Practice drawing
                      3. Print design
                      4. IPPT
                      5. Run crazy distance to places (with an EZlink)
                      6. Finish 1Q84 after The Hobbit
                      7. Christmas cards T.T
                      8. Freelance, please?

Why?

This is one of those days I think about pursuing my passion. And I am so glad that I am doing what I am doing and everything. But somehow, there is something missing. 

Must everything be backed by divine reasoning? 

 Why must I always be one the go? Can't I stop for a while and pause. But that gives me some sort of insecurity like I shouldn't be stopping I should keep going and going and going. When I stop I feel a little less of worth. Like I just gotta keep building this. Building and building and building. Trying and trying and trying and never stop moving.

Why am I writing emails? Do I mean what I type? Why are there always random projects? Why am I accepting freelance jobs so often when there is an end semester test the next week? Why have I gotta be on the go? Why?

And it is hard to explain it but I know it's not right.

Dare to Experiment